coming out


Image by JKönig
several years ago, i went to the doctor with this crazy pain in my right hip. my doctor thought it might be rheumatoid arthritis, so she sent me to a rheumatologist, who happened to work out of the same practice. as i lay on the examination table, he proceeded to press down hard on various pressure points throughout my body (not my hip). the pain was so intense, i cried big fat tears, right there on the table.

and that was that.

right away he diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, plain and simple. (that’s the test — if certain pressure points within your muscles cause pain, you done got it.) it’s an autoimmune disease, which means the antibodies produced by the body to fight cellular crime, also fight the good guys. they can’t tell friend from foe, as florian put it. basically, your body attacks itself. fun!

what can you do for it? not much, really. treat the depression = done. exercise = hate it. remove stress = riiiiiiiight.

so i promptly ignored it.

see, there’s a history of chronic illness in my family. and by history, i mean unhealthy obsession and complete surrender. and i swore that would. not. be. me. i didn’t want this to define me, or rule my life, or become a crutch; i had enough on my plate with the cyclothymia (manic depression, sort of like bipolar lite). so i conveniently forget i have it… until someone pokes me out of fun (punch buggy red!), and i recoil in pain that makes me look like a total wuss. i get teased about it by my friends, which i love, because it lessens the bigness of it. (but i refrain from reminding them, and myself, that it’s a real disease.)

i recently spent some time talking with a friend who’s also facing a chronic illness similar to fibromyalgia, and i suddenly realized, i can’t ignore it anymore. so this morning i looked up the wiki entry on it, and all the symptoms — ALL of them, from chronic headaches and depression to weight gain, muscle fatigue, jaw problems, trouble sleeping, bladder issues, stiffness, etc. — apply to me. and that scared the shit out of me.

it was also a relief. cos i have been in a wicked spiral lately of self-loathing. you know how it goes. so maybe i need to start dealing with this. facing it, like my friend (whose bravery is incredibly inspiring). i’m wary of using it as a crutch, and yet, it’s there. it’s a thing. it’s real. and i have it.

ok then.

so let’s deal with it.

i figured i’d start by coming out and just saying it.

i have fibromyalgia.

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